WHEREAS, on or about the night immediately preceding Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter??the?House?) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stockings, socks, etc., had been affixed by and/or around the fireplace mantle in said house, in a diligent and workmanlike manner, in the hope, and/or belief, that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas d/b/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter ?Claus?) would arrive forthwith. The minor residents, i.e., children, of the aforementioned House were situated on or about their individual beds and were engaged in sleep-induced hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionary treats including, but not limited to, candies, nuts, and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort, frolic, and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon I (hereinafter ?the party of the first part?), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the?House with Mamma (hereinafter ?the party of the second part?), and the party of the second part had retired for a sustained period of sleep and/or rest. At such time, both parties were clad in various forms of sleepwear and headgear, e.g., night gowns, kerchiefs and/or caps.
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain aural disruption of unknown origin, nature, cause or circumstance, that did interfere with the parties? quiet enjoyment of said property, so much so that the party of the first part did precipitously proceed to a nearby window of said House to investigate the cause of said disruption and disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of confusion, wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter ?the Vehicle?) being pulled, propelled and/or drawn by approximately eight (8) diminutive reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus did then provide specific direction, instruction and/or guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and, thus, expressly identified the antlered co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen (?hereinafter ?the Deer?). Upon information subsequently received, it is believed and, therefore, further averred that an additional co-conspirator named ?Rudolph? may have been involved.
The party of the first part witnessed Claus and the Deer as they intentionally, willfully, and with reckless disregard for the safety of the occupants of the House and other neighborhood dwellings, did trespass upon the roofs of several dwellings located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and it was noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with merchandise, packages, toys, and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, and without invitation, permission or license, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus did break, enter, and defiantly trespass upon said House via ingress through and down the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red, fur-trimmed suit, which was partially discolorured by charred residue from the interior of the chimney, and he carried a large sack with which he conveyed, transported or, otherwise, asported or carried a portion of the aforementioned merchandise, packages, toys, and other unknown items. He lit and began smoking what appeared to be tobacco, or some unknown substance, in a small pipe in blatant, open and notorious violation of local ordinances and public health regulations and, possibly, The Controlled Substance, Drug, Device and Cosmetic Act.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the afore-mentioned pre-hung stockings of the minor children with toys, and other small objects, however, said items may or may not constitute ?gifts? as that term is defined in the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as ?lookouts? to further aid and abet the alleged nefarious enterprise. Claus then immediately fled and/or departed for an unknown destination, apparently to avoid apprehension. However, prior to said departure of the Vehicle, Deer, and Claus from the House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state, exclaim and/or spontaneously utter: ?Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Good Night!?, or words to that effect.
Thanks to Ralph Ostermueller of fvginternational.com for this legalese.